In search of a recipient

Some nights I browse through my contacts list and I don't see a single friend. What did I do to deserve this?

Love and faith has done more damage to the human race than hatred and skepticism was ever capable of.

Also, no one really reads this blog.. I feel there are two things I can do with it, shut it down or may be it's time to actually express things I usually don't because they are too dangerous for language itself...

The disgusted post

It's not a great feeling for me to post something on my blog after a long time and start it with a disgusted tone. But the fact remains. I can't really 'compose' what I feel right now, but if I don't let it out somehow, it's just killing me. I mean I feel physically ill.

I'm wondering what it means to offer someone something. Something really naive like a gossip session over a cup of coffee or a film that's supposed to hit the screens in a few days. Not that you pick up a random someone and throw a proposal. It's about people you know are likely to enjoy that kind of an experience. Not that I necessarily need a company for such things, but it's always good to have like-minded people for such occasions.

Now the question is, what does it amount to be. When you propose something, anything, to some individual or a group of individuals or an institution, there are two possible answer. It may not always readily opt out to be any one of them, but there is, almost always a chance of negotiation, be it a positive one or a denial. The deal is quite straightforward, I've something to say, you may agree to it, or you may not. Even if you do, we may need to negotiate a few more things. Almost never one does expect an answer that quite clearly is rude, to say the least. But it happens. All of us know that, all of us have faced such situations. My question is, why does it happen?

Clearly one does and does not expect certain things from the other party. Don't give me the crap that expectation is the problem. We all know that, but that doesn't stop any of us from expecting things. So, when you come up with a proposal, you expect both the ends. What you don't expect is the subsidiaries of such outcomes. For example, when a denial comes with a hint of... let me correct myself... with a clear intent of humiliation. As if, there is almost always some sort of an underlined intention to any proposal, that it chooses to hide. I know such things are there but it is not a necessary component every proposal. Some are just dumb enough to be straightforward.

Humiliation as I see it, is the round about way of making one feel guilty of things one has not consciously done. There are things I can not speak of because they lie beyond the domain of language but the feeling is real. At least it feels so.

This post has started sounding like a letter to express personal grudges against people I don't want to intimidate, but if it goes on, take my word for it, I will. Point is I'm fade up of playing the nice guy I'm not and if it hurts you, good for you, I haven't been spared either. You see, you may have been disappointed/disgusted/disoriented for reasons beyond my comprehension, but just because I dropped an sms at the wrong time, doesn't give you the right to humiliate me for no apparent reason. When I feel bad about things, I don't talk to people and tell them I don't want a fight. I believe that's the best way to not hurt each other for reasons that doesn't readily involve both of us. I'm ready to hear, if you have anything against me, come out with it.

Or is it just me, playing the loser? Suffering from all sorts of complex that only jeopardizes my life. Why does it sound like a betrayal every time I offer a friendship to someone. I know it's an insane world out there, but sometimes, humiliation is just the one push that helps one cross the line that marks the abyss of madness! Call me an egotist, or a loser, or insane...

Sincerely, I give a FUCK...

Incoherent

You didn't even have any idea whether you could have him or not. He knew there's a possibility that he can have you. I know I can never have you. Who's the best lover then?

I've always fallen for women I can never get.

Love isn't charity, that I should be happy with what you've given to me. It's like rights, either I have it completely, or I don't.

The moments we enjoy together are for both of us, but the pain that is there is only mine. You have no right to take it away from me.

Pain is the only thing that's personal.

Epitaph

Shob bhalobasha chirkut-e likhe rekhe ekdin sagorer jol-e neme jabo...

nothing

"But love grows old,
and waxes cold..."

Lessons learnt

I'm gradually learning not to get attached to people, to manipulate things, to pretend like a chameleon..
no, not like chameleon.. like a human instead.. since the later kind seems much more skilled in that..
attachment is bad. i always knew it. but then that's human nature, to pretend, to act against oneself. i thought i am more than what i am. consequences...
that's what people call "fraud", "ditch", "breach of trust".. etc etc...
that's what people call, "taking advantage"
but then, are we not always told to, taught to do just that? take advantage?
the whole human civilization progresses on that..
progress.. such a funny term!
do we "progress" in love? affection? relationships?
does relationships "progress"?
at what point do you decide that you don't need someone? something?
what do you decide to do after that?
with it? with yourself?
burn it? throw it? crush it? forget it? ignore it? REPRESS IT?
IT will Return.. for sure..
yeah! psychoanalytic crap!
what did you expect?
Intellectual debates?

Cursed

Vision is cursed..
when you see something you want to touch.. you desire...
you are cursed, you already know you can't touch it, have it like you wanted...
touch is cursed...
sound is cursed too..
why did you have to listen to all those you ever heard?
life would've been easier, probably.. if you didn't...
world would've been a better place, if you couldn't remember... feel...
or it would've been much worse....
jhor asbena.. ashena...
"shudhu ashe firey bedonar chapa kanna..."
and you weep... deep inside... can't show, can't see either..
you can't even feel.. but you do feel...
and you almost know, there isn't a single you... you can almost touch that.. but what?
Knowledge is cursed...
Cursed is this existence...

Dhyatteri

ami kobita likhte pari na.. gaan-o na.
amar ingriji likhte ichhe kore na.
amar khali mon kharap hoy.
ami testimonial likhi.. mood hole..
r kichhu likhbo na..