In search of a recipient

Some nights I browse through my contacts list and I don't see a single friend. What did I do to deserve this?

Love and faith has done more damage to the human race than hatred and skepticism was ever capable of.

Also, no one really reads this blog.. I feel there are two things I can do with it, shut it down or may be it's time to actually express things I usually don't because they are too dangerous for language itself...

Incoherent

You didn't even have any idea whether you could have him or not. He knew there's a possibility that he can have you. I know I can never have you. Who's the best lover then?

I've always fallen for women I can never get.

Love isn't charity, that I should be happy with what you've given to me. It's like rights, either I have it completely, or I don't.

The moments we enjoy together are for both of us, but the pain that is there is only mine. You have no right to take it away from me.

Pain is the only thing that's personal.

I'm-perfect?

Usually we all search for perfection. The perfect friend, the perfect home, the perfect lover, the perfect holiday.... and obviously the perfect life!
"Perfect"! huh!
And we all know, it's impossible! there is no such thing which is absolutely PERFECT.
Or is there? I mean, if there is nothing perfect, then these assumptions are too perfect to be true. What a paradox this life is!
Often in our search for the perfect, we fail and then console ourselves with make-shift arrangements, we manage...
But sometimes, just sometimes, we stumble upon something that's just the thing we want. We meet that perfect person, arrive at that perfect place, feel we just have that perfect life...
And we live happily.. just for a while...
Yes, just for a while. Because after that we begin to understand that perfection is not what we want. Perfection is not worth living. We, human beings are too fuzzy to be content with perfection. Perfection is mechanical, inhuman.
Once that feeling is starts brewing inside, we are no more the happy-with-perfection person. We are disturbed, we crib, we get depressed and finally we break open...
No, it does not happen with all of us, not in all cases. In fact, it doesn't happen with most of us, in most cases. Because in most cases, we manage. We console ourselves, then pity ourselves, but we are too afraid to break free. We are afraid that if we do that, we'll be left alone, we feel too insecure to be insecure.
But still it happens, slowly, silently... you try to stop it, mask it with all your acting skills, managing skills, being fully aware that you are just helpless. Some days you declare a cease-fire, some days you're bruised, torn apart. But you know you're not allowed to show it. In fact, you don't even know how to show it and you can't figure out what's happening to you, why is it?
On one of those days, when you are absolutely confused about yourself, you do something drastic, something desperate. Sometimes it affects you so badly that it changes your life.
In our search of perfection, we've found the imperfect.
Since imperfection is never absolute, we are certain that we can never be happy, but this time around, we know perfection isn't happy either. Better be swinging between moments of joy and sorrow than be too sad about your happiness? Better be the insecure, politically incorrect one than be the machine-like, inhuman existence?
We all make mistakes and we almost never ask for forgiveness.
If perfection is just an idea, then imperfection must be the multifarious, multifaceted, multidimensional truth we all seek.
I'm-perfect?

Jhor

Not all storms get reported, but all of them destroy something on their way...

Afterthoughts or Premonitions?

When some random thoughts come to my mind and I can't access the net, I write them as long text messages and save them. Often I delete them, forget them, but I put up a few in my blog. New developments.. hmm..
This one's from last night..

In our pursuit to legitimize the 'other'/marginal' we often forget that the 'dominant'/'normative' is also a position. One can choose that, being fully informed and empathetic to all possible positions.
Once two people start their journey towards the different possible positions of a relation they have to make an effort to negotiate each other. What's lost in this process is the spontaneity of a relation. After a point they may not be able to bridge the gaps anymore. A relation depends on spontaneity when it's a breathing space for the persons involved. After that, it's just role-playing.one gets bored with that, when one is able to understand that. The "pleasure contract" breaks down.

hmm.. a lot to worry about. I found another forgotten sms, but I'm not in the mood to put it up here right now.

Lessons learnt

I'm gradually learning not to get attached to people, to manipulate things, to pretend like a chameleon..
no, not like chameleon.. like a human instead.. since the later kind seems much more skilled in that..
attachment is bad. i always knew it. but then that's human nature, to pretend, to act against oneself. i thought i am more than what i am. consequences...
that's what people call "fraud", "ditch", "breach of trust".. etc etc...
that's what people call, "taking advantage"
but then, are we not always told to, taught to do just that? take advantage?
the whole human civilization progresses on that..
progress.. such a funny term!
do we "progress" in love? affection? relationships?
does relationships "progress"?
at what point do you decide that you don't need someone? something?
what do you decide to do after that?
with it? with yourself?
burn it? throw it? crush it? forget it? ignore it? REPRESS IT?
IT will Return.. for sure..
yeah! psychoanalytic crap!
what did you expect?
Intellectual debates?